theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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