I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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