My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
