Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
