I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
