My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
