Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
