I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
