So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
