Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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