even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
