I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
