I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
