who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
