we have pet lesbian snakes
you guys were way drunker than both of me
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
