I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
