At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
