I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
