sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
