if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
