I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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