Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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