What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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