It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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