I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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