the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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