wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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