I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
