I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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