Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
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