false alarm. still invincible.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
