I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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