I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
