I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
