I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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