Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
