so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
