there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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