I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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