i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
