A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
