Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
