I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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