We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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