So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
