I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
