I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
