why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
