Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
