I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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